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Would it be so bad...

Would it be so bad if I went into hiding? Just packed up some stuff and went away?? I can't deal with this marriage anymore. It's not worth the fights and arguments and hurt. I have to hold out for another six months so Wanda can't claim his social security benefits over me. January 1 I'm filing for divorce. I need a clean start in the new year.
Just a reminder that there are three craft shows in the "Old Town" Section of Laurel this weekend.

The first is at:

American Legion Post 60 (next to the Marc Train Station)
2 Main Street
Crafts, Collectibles and Traditional Treasures
8am - 2pm
Donuts and light lunch available.

Then head up Main Street to:

"Holly Days" at St. Phillips Church
6th and Main Street
Crafts, Santa, Kids Korner and more!
9am - 3pm
Light lunch available

Then continue on Main Street to 7th - make a left at the light a right at the stop sign at Montgomery - and then a right at the stop sign at 8th Street (McCoullough Field will be in front of you to the left) to the Phelps Center.

Check out the Laurel Senior Friendship Club's Annual Holiday Craft Fair
Crafts and Homemade Goodies to make all your friends on your Christmas List happy.
10am - 3pm.
Light lunch available.

X-posted to Charm City and my own journal.


Flyer under the link, but here's the deal.

The beautiful town of Laurel, MD is having three, yes, three craft shows this weekend!! Saturday, November 21 only!!

Start your Saturday off at 8am at American Legion Post 60 where there will be over 40 tables of goodies waiting to be bought, there will also be donuts (mmm donuts!) and coffee to be had to get your blood pumping.

Then continue down Main Street to 6th Street where you will hit "Holly Days" at St. Phillips Church opening at 9am. Go on inside for pictures with Santa and handmade goodness.

After St. Phillips continue down Main Street to the 7th Street light - make a left hand turn and then a right at the stop sign where the Phelps Center will be on your right hand side - turn right at the stop sign, and right again at the next stop sign, and pull into the Phelps Center for more handmade goodness by Laurel's Senior Friendship Club.

All proceeds from all three events are going to non-profit entities.

I hope to see you there!!

PS. Table space is still available at the American Legion - see the contact number on the Flyer for further details.


Just sitting here killing time - I don't want to go home but I don't want to be here either. Its a catch 22. I would love to find a way to force Jim out of the house. I wish I wish I wish. There is a big wish.

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Lately, I've been reminiscing about my friend and lover Derek.  Been thinking about how much I miss him and our discussions about life and where it is going to take us.  Today I remembered that when he hit it big in the music business he was going to buy two houses in Potomac side by side and dig a tunnel underneath them so I could have one and he could have the other and when the mood stuck he could come over and we could have sex.  I said why can't we just live in the same house?  He said, because we would kill each other.  There is something to be said for that.  Something to be said for space with benefits. 

It's been seven years since my beautiful friend left this earth and about eight since we were lovers.  I will never forget the day that a friend of his called me and told me that he died.  I was the last phone call Derek made before he took his last breath.  In that phone call he told me that he loved me and could I please come get him - he needed to see me.  I told him that I wasn't alone and that I couldn't come and get him.  It still haunts me to this day that maybe I could have saved him that time, but there would have been another time with the same kind of phone call.  What drives people to drugs? What is it that makes them do it? Don't they realize that it destroys the lives of those they love?  Those that care about them so much they would do anything for them?  So many questions that will never be answered.


I want a Divorce. I want Jim out of my house and my life. I can't take the laziness, the living off of me and my income when it barely covers me. It's not fair that he sits around on his ass all day and does nothing and then yells at me about the office being a mess. Well it wouldn't be a mess if you would get off your ass and take the laundry to the cleaners. I don't even love him anymore, Sunday was the last straw. He accuses me of doing things that I haven't done - I haven't talked to Gerry in over a year (see below post where he cut me off) - I don't know where he is, or what he's doing with his life - I just want to move on completely from everyone and everything. I can survive in my apartment since it's in my name on what I make my expenses will decrease because I won't be paying for his cigarettes and beer - just mine and maybe I'll be able to get a manicure again!

The main problem is I don't know how to get started on this process, I need someone to help me, but I don't even know how to ask for it.

Another friend is gone....

Today we said goodbye to Phil Jorgensen, a good friend, teacher, and all around good egg. I've been meaning to post something about Phil since he died the day after Veteran's Day, but I wasn't sure what to say. Phil will be missed tremendously in my heart, I could always cut a fart when I walked by Phil and he would take the blame and give me a wink ;-) He introduced himself to me by saying, "Hey Toots, come here and pull my finger."

Phil was 58 years old, I loved him like an Uncle or Brother. He was always there for a good joke when you just weren't feeling like yourself, and always knew how to get someone to "pull up their bootstraps and keep going." I know that if it wouldn't have been for Phil, my other guardian Angel John Howell, Jr., Joe Dubis and my loving Husband Jim, I wouldn't be here. Those guys saved my life after having Emily, they are my family, and my soul. Phil wouldn't want me to be sitting here crying as I type this. I'm so thankful that he didn't suffer and it was instantaneous. It's so hard walking across the train platform where he died. Today it was hard making his eggs and sitting beside his chair, knowing that I will never be able to blame him for a fart ever again.

Rest in Peace Phil. There are people down here that miss you terribly.

So anyway...

I just got off the phone with my High School sweetheart and I'm just about in tears. Why did I insist on pursuing this life? I could have been extremely happy with Jay, why do I always look at the past and want to go back to it? Why do I want to change my life history so much?

Sunday would have been 9 years that Gerry and I have been messing around. I miss him. I've loved three maybe four men in my life, I loved Jay in High School and will probably always love him no matter what happens. I loved Gerry because of the sex and the excitement and now because of our daughter, and will more than likely always love him as well. I loved Wendell Hurley, because he was sweet and kind, and he was a terrific father to his son, and now he's gone. I love my husband, because he cares about me. I really don't believe you can only love one person, I do believe that everyone has a soul mate and I believe I let mine slip through my fingers.


So about a month ago I get a call from Gerry at work. Out of the blue, no idea that he was going to call. He called to say that he was closing his Yahoo account, cutting off his "sex buddies", and "going legit".

Personally I thought I was more than that, but if to him that's what I was, then that's what I was. I still love him with my whole heart and I miss him every second of every day and there is no changing that. He was, is, always will be my soul mate.

Yes, I love my husband, but it will never be as deep as it is in my soul as it is with Gerry. I compare everyone and everything to him, and I always will. I haven't had time to let myself grieve about this, I need to, I need to get away to grieve, to let myself forget. I need to get out of this apartment where his "ghost" lives, everywhere I look here I see him. I feel his touch in the shower, I picture him talking to me laying in bed. I think about him, every where. Maybe once I get over this being dumped thing I can move on, but right now, it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest AGAIN by him and he has just stomped on it over and over and over again.
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I found this most interesting that I am worth $1,132 per hour in bed. At least now I know what to charge if I ever decide to become a hooker.